Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates:
At the first gate, ask yourself, “Is it true?
At the second gate ask, “Is it necessary?”
At the third gate ask, “Is it kind?” ~ Rumi
I have learned silence from the talkative, tolerance from the intolerant and kindness from the unkind. —Kahlil Gibran
When speaking with others, we don’t typically stop to analyze what we’re saying but maybe we should. One woman said that she recently hurt a friend because she assumed certain things and simply spoke her mind. Afterward, when she found that the friend had just finished a terrible week and what she had thought was factual, wasn’t, what she said was wrong and hurtful. Fortunately, the friend forgave her, but she said that the real lesson was for her. How many times had she spoken before considering these three gates of rightful speech.? Do I know it is true, is it necessary and is it kind?
I would add my own questions to this. Did my friend or loved one ask for advice, and is what I am about to say better than silence?
So many times, people are just talking to make others think more highly of them. Conversations can be spiritually and physically exhausting. You know how it feels to be in a room with someone who just continually drones on. I remember a man who was so verbose and windy that if you were on the phone with him, at some point you felt like saying, “Wait a minute, I’ve got to lay down.”
Back to our three questions, is what I am going to say simply hearsay or rumor? Then I shouldn’t say it. Is what I am about to say necessary? Did my friend ask for advice? Is my advice both wanted and necessary? Is what I am about to say kind? If it is factual, and it is absolutely necessary, I must say it as kindly as possible.
If I am about to open my mouth to speak, is it an improvement over the silence?
When deciding if what we are going to say is necessary, yes, sometimes it is necessary to speak truth with a family member, friend, co-worker, employee or other. I remember the necessity to speak to a young employee who had never worked before, and he thought it was o.k. to come in late every day. I explained kindly that in a team environment, people depend upon each other and that if he wanted to work in that sort of place, he must adhere to the rules and be on time. I said, “People are counting on you, and they are unable to get their work done.” It turns out, he didn’t know that, and that was all it took. Shaming someone isn’t necessary in telling the truth.
Remembering the three gates of right speech is critical to our spiritual practice. Without guarding the gate of our tongue, we may do irreparable damage. If you must speak, do so with kindness. With much love, Rev.J